I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize