She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
