somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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