Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
