Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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