that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Randomize
