I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
