You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
