zippers are such a cool invention
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
