There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
