so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
