never play flip cup with pint glasses
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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