i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Drunk is not a location!
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
