"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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