Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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