i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I love how my cats smell like pot.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
