I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
