i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize