So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
