I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
But theres a keg here and me gusta
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
