do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I'm like, not good at living.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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