She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
