I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
