This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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