then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
