So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
