I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Randomize
