the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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