God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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