how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
The adults are the big ones right?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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