Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
