While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
