Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Randomize
