I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
