so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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