Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
