dude i'm inner monologue high
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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