my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
