I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
