I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Can't talk, ducks in the car
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
