You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
