I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
