making cat noises will not fix the situation.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
