my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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