its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
