Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize