Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
