apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
