The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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