Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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