I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I believe in your delicious
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
