just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Randomize
