Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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