I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
