he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
