just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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